Who am I kidding? It is always the season to Gift and Receive. It makes my heart sing. I am always looking for opportunities where I can gift back.
Now this is my running pattern and sometimes I can do this to a fault. Do you know what I mean? Okay let me reframe this. Have you ever given, given, given until you are exhausted? Have you given so much you are beginning to feel resentful that it is not being appreciated? You give until there is nothing left of you. Well there are many things underlying this "condition". Yes I believe it is a condition. Now just feel into this and see if any one of these statements ring true for you or trigger you. Are you looking for acknowledgement? Are you lacking in self-worth and searching for your value by over giving? You could be hiding behind this. And lying to yourself. No I just love giving, that is who I am! Are you looking for love and appreciation outside of yourself? Do you secretly fear that if you stop giving, they won't love you for who you are? Does any of this ring true?
Let me tell you a dirty little secret. This was me. This was my sub-conscious pattern that I was not aware of. I was hiding behind over giving and feared that if I stopped being so generous...the love and appreciation would stop. And if I stopped...I would have to look at me and who I really was. Than I would have to look at what my self-worth was. OMG! I would have to go into my heart and look at my truth. Ugh! Yucky right? Let me tell you what happened when Leona started changing her pattern of giving, giving, giving. My worst nightmare happened. Everything I feared came true. First family, loved ones and friends were like what the heck? What is going on? Leona isn't dropping everything for us and fixing our problems. I can't just call Leona and she will over compensate and make everything right. How dare she say no? They were confused. They called me selfish. They said she is so self-absorbed. She cares about no one but herself. Really? Me...selfish and self absorbed. I was none of those things. Yet people closest to me were feeling hurt and betrayed. They stopped talking to me. Even got angry at me. My worst nightmare, no one loved me! The spiralling began. The self-doubt within. Lack of self-worth. Not only did my family stop talking to me, my business was suffering. My marriage was falling apart. My world was spinning out of control and I went into a deep depression.
Yes the Self-Love Expert lost everything she knew to be true. I took a step back from my life. I retreated from everything I knew and sequestered myself into a tiny apartment and told no one where I was. I was a fucking mess and didn't let anyone know. I still pretended sometimes to put on a pretty face and smiled. Yet I was a complete mess. I kept going back and forth to my husband trying desperately to figure this out. What the F***? It was probably the hardest two years of my life.
Why do I share this with you? Because there is huge value in this. We are all growing and learning. Sometimes we need to lose everything we know, so we can expand and truly learn to love ourselves. Because there is an opportunity to come out the other side with so much self love and empowerment. You can choose to be a victim of your experiences or you can choose to be a powerful being that you are. Yes we all have the GIFT of choice. It is the gift that keeps on giving. Choose to expand or choose to withdraw. Which do you choose? I choose to expand and love myself more each moment. I choose to be the best version of me each day and enjoy each experience to the fullest. Even if it is hard.
I have come out the other side of this with so much self love and self awareness. I have learned to love more deeply. I have an awareness of who I truly am. I am love. I feel this in every cell of my body. Now I gift from a place of that knowingness and will always do so. I don't give from a place of lack or trying to fill a void or a place of wanting to be recognized or appreciated. I gift because I am here to be of service and share my experiences. So I choose to be in the most Loving Relationship with myself first and than gift from that place and receive from that space as well. You get to choose whether you want to receive that gift. Oh...receiving is a whole other level to this which I will share more on soon.
Sending you beams of LOVE ENERGY!!!